Victorian Auto Election

This is it, the day we’ve all been waiting for! It’s election day, and we’re about to find out if the corrupt Premier Norris will remain in his position, or if the illustrious Dr Dark McBane, evil scientist extraordinaire, will take his seat of power! I’m Chuck Fiddlesticks, reporting live from the Channel 17 helicopter, right above Government House.

Let’s take a minute to remember what is at stake here. Dr McBane has promised that if he wins the election, he will give sentient cars and sentient air conditioners the right to vote going forward. I recently spoke to two sentient cars, Brake and Clutch, who think that Dr Dark McBane winning this election would be a life-changing event for them. So let’s hope that we get the right result today!

And they’re about to announce the winner. It’s Dr Dark McBane! The evil scientist has done it! He’s the new Premier! Congratulations to him, for an excellent campaign based on giving basic rights to sentient cars and air conditioners everywhere. I’m going to get a car service near Bankstown to celebrate (that’s right, I’m going all the way to Sydney for it since they’ve had rights for sentient cars for much longer). 

What’s this? Former Premier Norris is going to give a concession speech. He says that he would congratulate Dr Dark McBane, but unfortunately by the law in our great state, anybody who has graduated from the Supervillain Training Academy cannot become the Premier! Oh no, that means Dr Dark McBane loses by default. Norris actually appears to be making a victory speech. What a tragedy for sentient cars and air conditioners everywhere.

But it seems we aren’t done yet, folks. Somebody else has forced their way onto the stand. It seems to be a young woman, possibly a reporter. She has pushed Premier Norris down the stairs and taken control of the microphone. What will she say?

I can’t believe it! She claims that Dr Dark McBane never actually graduated from the Supervillain Training Academy, as he failed his final exam! That means he’s eligible to be Premier! Unbelievable stuff, everybody.

Congratulations to our new Premier, Dr Dark McBane.

Conspiracy Over

Every engineer in the hall began pelting equipment at me. I dove toward the ground, avoiding them. When I stood and turned, bow held ready, all of the wannabe space flight crew had fallen, hit by their own weapons.

These engineers wished to join the Auto King’s space crew, and I was the only thing standing between them and that goal. Now, it seemed, they’d defeated themselves for me.

But then they stood, grabbing the set squares they’d been stuck with. How could they still be able to fight? None of them bled or even seemed hurt. Before they could throw their weapons at me again, I leapt onto the stage where Rufus, the Auto King’s general, had stood a moment before. He was gone now.

The engineers, who had been bribed into joining through promises of access to the best Brighton and Mornington car repairs, pelted me with rulers and pencils once again. Simultaneously, I fired a volley of arrows into the crowd and tried to get off the stage, pursuing Rufus.

One of the rulers struck me in the side, followed by another. They fell to the ground with a clunk, not even hurting me. Confused, I looked down and realised that they were only made of plastic. Fakes, just like the cheap lab coats my attackers wore. I shook my head and moved out of the room, determined to find Rufus and put a stop to this conspiracy.

To my surprise, I found him around the corner, cowering before I even got there. I pointed my bow at him. “This show is over,” I said.

Rufus screamed out like a coward. “Please, don’t hurt me! I’ll do anything. I’ll give you unlimited access to the expert auto electrician near Mornington! I’ll sing you a song. I’ll show you my private collection of D3-G0 coins from the Space Battles movies. I’ll even let you keep one of them!”

“Hmm,” I mused. “I do like D3-G0. He’s a very interesting character. But I think I’d rather end this entire operation and ruin the Auto King’s plans. Say your final words.”

And so he did. With my mission completed, I was able to go home, right in time for dinner. That was quite the adventure. Probably enough for a lifetime!

Guest Post: Frankie

I’ve always wanted to be on Australia’s Next Top Office, ever since I saw the first season last week. I showed it to my third-grade class and they loved it. I must say, there was a lot more blood and gore than I expected, but the plot was simply thrilling. I’ve accrued half a year of annual leave and the principal is forcing me to take some time off, so I figured I’d audition. And I got the part! That’s why I’m writing this post; so that Not Flicks can hide it somewhere on the internet for people to find. 

While I don’t know the first thing about office designers, Melbourne is fairly design-oriented, so I’m sure I can figure it out. Two weeks is plenty of time to prepare. After all, I teach my class children the basics of pretty much everything at school. A crash course in office design will be easy for me. Even though I do feel like they only selected me because the five other contestants are male, I’m honoured to be on the show. I think I’m a real chance to go all the way.

Nobody expects the third-grade teacher to win this sort of thing, so I’m definitely the underdog. After all, my fellow contestants are a famous actor, two powerful wizards, a mass criminal and a supervillain. They’ll think I’m just going to lie down and lose. I’ll show them a thing or two about being an office fitout specialist. Melbourne and all its residents will know my name by the time the season is over.

The thing is, I’m not just a third-grade teacher. Last year I was teaching sixth-graders. I’m basically a veteran, having gone through the toughest challenge life can throw at a person. I can handle anything. Underestimate me if you dare. I’ll prove you all wrong and bring that glory back home to share with my students. They’ll all be watching and I won’t fail them. 

Keep an eye out for Ms Frankie on season two of Australia’s Next Top Office.

Glass Smashing Glazier

I really wish they hadn’t chosen to torture me with this first challenge in Australia’s Next Top Office. I was incredibly tempted to break the glass balustrade I’d spent hours crafting.

“I don’t think I can resist it any longer. I’m going to smash it!” I said.

Space Wizard hissed from within the water bottle I was keeping his liquified remains in. “You must hold on, Bandit. If I’m to get my revenge on Archerak and you’re to get a pardon for your crimes, we have to win this challenge. Just take deep breaths and get back to work.”

“Maybe we should just hire a glazier from Melbourne to do it for us.”

“You know that’s against the rules. Be strong, Bandit. I believe in you.”

That made one of us. I returned to work, getting the new sheet of glass ready for its placement along the rails. If I could just hold off my intense urges to shatter glass, we’d have a really nice balustrade in the end.

“How do you think the others are going?” Space Wizard asked.

“Knowing Archerak, he’s probably used some spell to make his,” I said. “I doubt it will be any good, though. Lacking in craftsmanship and finesse, probably. I’m worried about the Dirge, though. Apparently he has a background working with glass.”

Space Wizard hummed within his water bottle. “Yes, the Dirge may be a problem. If I still had my body, I would curse him with a sore curse that stops him from being the best glass balustrade installer Melbourne could want. But alas, I am liquified.”

“But you could have a body again if you wanted to.”

“Sure. But I quite like it here. Besides, Archerak would probably just cast power, word, liquefy again. It’s not worth the effort of regeneration at the moment.”

I stepped back and realised that I had successfully installed the balustrade. Our conversation must have kept me distracted enough. But then I noticed a hammer across the balcony, and the glistening of the glass in the sunlight made my heart race.

“No!” said Space Wizard.

“I’m sorry, I can’t resist it!”

I dove for the hammer. It was time for the Glass Smashing Bandit to strike again.

My Reviewer Stint

Remember that one trend where people slid down banisters and handrails on trays? That was weird. People do really weird things when they’re trying to be mad internet famous. 

I used to have a Me-Straw channel back when I was a teenager, and I cycled through a different trend every other month in a desperate bid to ride the coat-tails of viral fame. Didn’t work.

I remember filming a video every day for a month where I lip-synched to classic 80s songs. A little piece of me dies just thinking about it. Then there was that weird one where I decided that I’d be the internet’s first mechanic reviewer. I’d genuinely go out with my camcorder to, say, a mechanic shop in Bentleigh and evaluate them from afar, because I was a nerdy coward and actually going into the shop and talking to people was too big an ask. The weird thing was that I didn’t even own a car…I just reviewed them based upon what I could hear and see.

Gosh, they’re awful. Just a whole bunch of videos with me standing there on the other side of the street, holding the camera at my face, wind drowning out half of what I say. I try to make it sound like I know what I’m talking about with lines like “okay, there you can hear the car lift-a-tron 3000, which is now used in most garages…” or “I’m guessing that the overalls are a cotton blend, which I personally wouldn’t recommend due to the dangers of being snagged on the machinery”.

Fortunately, no business for a Bentleigh mechanic shop was harmed in the making of these videos, because the most views any of them ever got was something like…3. I think I also erred on the side of being complimentary, because as I’ve mentioned, I was a coward who couldn’t give a bad review out of fear of reprisal. 

So most of my reviews ended with something like “yeah, so, despite a few things that I personally wouldn’t recommend, this is the best place for auto electrical Bentleigh has ever seen. These guys get a solid 8-and-a-half out of ten. Peace out, machine bros.”

Good grief, I was such a massive dork.


Not How Air Con Works

Oh no. As heart-breaking as it sounds, Week of Our Lives is currently up for cancellation. I’m literally dying. There’s nothing else in my life besides this show, but there have been comments from the network executive that things are getting ‘stale’, and that it’s ‘time for a change’. What does it all mean? Me and my friends on the forums are all freaking out, and rightfully so. I knew that whole air conditioning story was trouble!

Cassie has been acting strangely for a while, and all was finally revealed in last night’s episode. Turns out that she’s actually the world’s most notorious hacker, and she’s been spending the last year hacking all of the air conditioning around Melbourne so she can enact her master plan: turning it all on at the same time when all the wealthy people are at work, sending their electricity bills soaring through the roof and making them pay for having money.

Not only was this story line not really focused on Realsville; it really ticked off the members of our community who appreciate the fine services of air conditioning that exist in Melbourne, some of whom even call our fair community their home. I get it…even I was pretty skeptical when Cassie hacked into the living room of the wealthy property investment baron who evicted their family when she was a little girl and ramped up the air con unit so that it froze him in a solid block of ice. Most air con units can’t even do that!

But to have the show cancelled…I’d have nothing left. This is my life, I’ve come to realise. If they get another episode, it’d better be one giant apology to the fine air conditioning servicing companies in Melbourne, and a return to form!!

A haunted house

steel fabricationWhen I was a kid, I used to see the magic in everything. I guess that’s kind of what happens to everyone, right? You start off with one heck of an over imaginative imagination and then, slowly, over time, without even realising it, that propensity to see the mystery in even the most mundane of things slips away. Well, not to sound like I’m boasting or anything, but I was always particularly creative. And, over the summer we spent in Melbourne with our aunt and uncle, I became convinced that the Melbourne steel fabrication site near my house was haunted.

I’m not really sure what made me think that. Actually, no that isn’t true. I used to hear strange noises in the night, see a light flickering in the supposedly abandoned warehouse. I used to wake my brother Charlie up so we could fantasise about what sort of ghost or spirit may be wondering that cursed earth. We told ourselves the high pitched screeches were other worldly, and the stories we made up to make sense of it all were legendary.

One day, nearing the end of our trip away, Charlie and I decided to make our first and final stand. We were going to scramble under a whole in the fence and confront the monster. I’d seen enough tv to know to bring salt, and like the adventurers we were, we trailed it behind us as we made our crusade. As it turned out, one of the metal suppliers in Melbourne made their deliveries late at night, and so the man who ran the workshop would stay into the night to work on the pieces. I’ll never forget the moment we snuck in and saw him, standing tall and wearing a mask to keep the sparks off his face. The site may not have been haunted, but it certainly gave us an adventure and a half. 

New Bathroom for Parents

bathroom contractors MelbourneMy parents had moved interstate after my great aunt had passed away some years ago. My aunt had three children and unfortunately was a single mother. My parents being the kindhearted people they are volunteered to take care of the kids. The kids were aged between 9 and 14 and my parents were having a bit of trouble keeping them in line. I had just flown down to see my family for the first time in a few years. I hadn’t even seen the house my parents had bought yet, and was shocked to see what they were living in. Before my parents moved to the house they’re in now, they lived in a beautiful home with a gorgeous bathroom. Now that they were stressed and had to buy a bigger house that they could barely afford. To bit it nicely, they were living in a mess.

I took it upon myself to send my parents away on a much needed holiday. While they are away, enjoying their fully paid for holiday in the sun without annoying children or stress I planned to have their house renovated. I was looking after the children, and the bathroom renovations were going to be a big surprise. I’d been speaking with a few interior designers about bathroom renovations, Melbourne architects are some of the best in the country.

I’d already ordered the bathroom fixtures that my grandmother had shown me and all was underway. I had shown my grandmother a designer bathroom brochure and asked her what her favourites things were. She had no idea what I was planning. I couldn’t wait for my family to return from their getaway, they were going to be overcome with excitement. If you ask me, I’d tell you that my parents deserve the best bathroom designers Melbourne has to offer. I sincerely hope they do enjoy their renovation project and that Dad doesn’t stress too much.

Tired Car Talk

It’s one of those days. I’ve hit a wall, there’s no milk left for coffee (and I’m not drinking black instant coffee, yick), plus I know I have an absolute beast of a commute coming up, so not really looking forward to that. Oh, and there’s youth group tonight, so I’m not getting home until about 10 anyway. And then I can do it all again tomorrow! Hopefully with more sleep under my belt, though.

My mind is so distracted that I’m actually making a valid to-do list instead of working, which is how you know I’m completely far gone. I know I have to find a new mechanic, Ringwood based or otherwise, because I just started driving our family friend’s car on long loan, and I’m seriously paranoid. The fact that it’s my first auto car is nice, don’t get me wrong, and I enjoyed driving on the freeway this morning whilst eating an apple in my free hand. It has cruise control as well…very nice. Also it beeps at me when I don’t put on my seatbelt, and for many other reasons. What was I saying?

Oh yeah, so…I need to find a good mechanic who’ll take good care of it, because getting a car for six months is awesome, and that’s a favour I need to repay. Doesn’t help that it’s about two feet longer than all the small cars I’ve owned in the past, and so I’m ultra-paranoid about parking it. I’ve been intentionally parking a zillion miles away and walking in, just because I don’t want to bump anything, and I still suck at parking.

So yeah. Mechanic needed. And I should make notes on them as well, just in case there are any really good garages for brake services. Ringwood drivers, please know that I’m not planning on any huge collisions, but… got to be safe. Got to be… safe.

I’m so tired.


A Feature Wall with Intellectual Value

custom wallpaperI’m really liking the idea of a feature wall in our new home, but only if it’s covered in cryptic messages. Like, I’m talking really weird, obscure stuff that’ll take me ages to figure out.

See, I just had a child, and that’s great, but it does mean I’ll be out of work for a while. I know for a lot of women, the extremely involving and fulfilling job of taking care of a baby is enough for the first few months, but my mind is a lot more active than that. I’m usually a forensic scientist, so there’s going to be quite the transition period from my mind being that active every day to just…not being active. I’ve done my research, I know you can get easy to remove wallpaper, so it can be taken down by the time little Watson is a bit older and we’re ready to have visitors again.

People say it won’t be that bad, but they don’t know me. My brain rebels at being stagnant. All the other mums in the group have said that I’ll have baby brain, that I’ll forget work because there’s going to be so much to do with the baby…and while I acknowledge that it’s going to be a lot of work, physically, my mind will wander. Hopefully, our new bit of wallpaper covered in brain teasers and cryptic messages in strange languages will be enough to keep me occupied. There’s room for fun stuff, of course. I plan to find some of my favourite ‘Where Is Wanda’ books from when I was young (the ones that got me into my line of work) and have some of it printed onto the wallpaper. When I get tired of cryptic puzzles and ancient riddles, I’ll just transition into looking for Wanda. That should calm me down. And making my own custom wallpaper is a decent enough way to fill my time, to begin with anyway…