Glass Smashing Glazier

I really wish they hadn’t chosen to torture me with this first challenge in Australia’s Next Top Office. I was incredibly tempted to break the glass balustrade I’d spent hours crafting.

“I don’t think I can resist it any longer. I’m going to smash it!” I said.

Space Wizard hissed from within the water bottle I was keeping his liquified remains in. “You must hold on, Bandit. If I’m to get my revenge on Archerak and you’re to get a pardon for your crimes, we have to win this challenge. Just take deep breaths and get back to work.”

“Maybe we should just hire a glazier from Melbourne to do it for us.”

“You know that’s against the rules. Be strong, Bandit. I believe in you.”

That made one of us. I returned to work, getting the new sheet of glass ready for its placement along the rails. If I could just hold off my intense urges to shatter glass, we’d have a really nice balustrade in the end.

“How do you think the others are going?” Space Wizard asked.

“Knowing Archerak, he’s probably used some spell to make his,” I said. “I doubt it will be any good, though. Lacking in craftsmanship and finesse, probably. I’m worried about the Dirge, though. Apparently he has a background working with glass.”

Space Wizard hummed within his water bottle. “Yes, the Dirge may be a problem. If I still had my body, I would curse him with a sore curse that stops him from being the best glass balustrade installer Melbourne could want. But alas, I am liquified.”

“But you could have a body again if you wanted to.”

“Sure. But I quite like it here. Besides, Archerak would probably just cast power, word, liquefy again. It’s not worth the effort of regeneration at the moment.”

I stepped back and realised that I had successfully installed the balustrade. Our conversation must have kept me distracted enough. But then I noticed a hammer across the balcony, and the glistening of the glass in the sunlight made my heart race.

“No!” said Space Wizard.

“I’m sorry, I can’t resist it!”

I dove for the hammer. It was time for the Glass Smashing Bandit to strike again.

It’s Just a Bit of a Fixer-Upper…

glass balustradingWhat that phrase they use? ‘Fixer-upper’. Our new home is a ‘fixer-upper’. That’s a nice way of saying that it’s a broken-down dump, but I’m the one staying positive here. Also, we’re recently married, so the power of our love should make things a breeze, just at the start of that movie, Down, except the complete opposite. You know, where there was a montage of a man and a wife having a horrible marriage for sixty years, constantly arguing and wishing the other was dead, until finally the man dies and the wife takes a holiday to Peru to celebrate her newfound freedom.

I cry every time.

Looks like I’m going to have to be the DIY-savvy one in this relationship. I’m the one with all the contacts, like how I’ve memorized the numbers of several professionals in the field of residential glazing. Melbourne is a mixed bag when it comes to trades and services, you really have to know the right people if you want to get a good deal. 

That’s just what happens when you grow up with a  ratty young brother who isn’t careful about where he kicks the footy, and the parents are always out. Callum, meanwhile, is totally clueless when it comes to this stuff. Our marriage is just going to be him calling up his wife and asking for DIY tips. I kind of like that dynamic, if I’m honest. Very progressive.

We DO need glaziers though, so I’ll have to see how much is in the budget. I can tolerate some creaky stairs, and maybe I can just not look at the garden until we have enough for landscaping, but the windows are all scratched and dirty. We really do just need new ones. And maybe we can look into some frosting for the bathroom, because there aren’t any curtains and…well. Privacy.

I’m still seeing it as a DIY adventure though. And I have future-vision for this kind of thing, so I’m just looking at the place and seeing it all complete. Nice windows, sweeping glass balustrading, floating wood floors…and it’s all up to me to make it happen.