Dandy Pages

This is it, the day we’ve all been waiting for! It’s election day, and we’re about to find out if the corrupt Premier Norris will remain in his position, or if the illustrious Dr Dark McBane, evil scientist extraordinaire, will take his seat of power! I’m Chuck Fiddlesticks, reporting live from the Channel 17 helicopter, right above Government House.

Let’s take a minute to remember what is at stake here. Dr McBane has promised that if he wins the election, he will give sentient cars and sentient air conditioners the right to vote going forward. I recently spoke to two sentient cars, Brake and Clutch, who think that Dr Dark McBane winning this election would be a life-changing event for them. So let’s hope that we get the right result today!

And they’re about to announce the winner. It’s Dr Dark McBane! The evil scientist has done it! He’s the new Premier! Congratulations to him, for an excellent campaign based on giving basic rights to sentient cars and air conditioners everywhere. I’m going to get a car service near Bankstown to celebrate (that’s right, I’m going all the way to Sydney for it since they’ve had rights for sentient cars for much longer). 

What’s this? Former Premier Norris is going to give a concession speech. He says that he would congratulate Dr Dark McBane, but unfortunately by the law in our great state, anybody who has graduated from the Supervillain Training Academy cannot become the Premier! Oh no, that means Dr Dark McBane loses by default. Norris actually appears to be making a victory speech. What a tragedy for sentient cars and air conditioners everywhere.

But it seems we aren’t done yet, folks. Somebody else has forced their way onto the stand. It seems to be a young woman, possibly a reporter. She has pushed Premier Norris down the stairs and taken control of the microphone. What will she say?

I can’t believe it! She claims that Dr Dark McBane never actually graduated from the Supervillain Training Academy, as he failed his final exam! That means he’s eligible to be Premier! Unbelievable stuff, everybody.

Congratulations to our new Premier, Dr Dark McBane.

Every engineer in the hall began pelting equipment at me. I dove toward the ground, avoiding them. When I stood and turned, bow held ready, all of the wannabe space flight crew had fallen, hit by their own weapons.

These engineers wished to join the Auto King’s space crew, and I was the only thing standing between them and that goal. Now, it seemed, they’d defeated themselves for me.

But then they stood, grabbing the set squares they’d been stuck with. How could they still be able to fight? None of them bled or even seemed hurt. Before they could throw their weapons at me again, I leapt onto the stage where Rufus, the Auto King’s general, had stood a moment before. He was gone now.

The engineers, who had been bribed into joining through promises of access to the best Brighton and Mornington car repairs, pelted me with rulers and pencils once again. Simultaneously, I fired a volley of arrows into the crowd and tried to get off the stage, pursuing Rufus.

One of the rulers struck me in the side, followed by another. They fell to the ground with a clunk, not even hurting me. Confused, I looked down and realised that they were only made of plastic. Fakes, just like the cheap lab coats my attackers wore. I shook my head and moved out of the room, determined to find Rufus and put a stop to this conspiracy.

To my surprise, I found him around the corner, cowering before I even got there. I pointed my bow at him. “This show is over,” I said.

Rufus screamed out like a coward. “Please, don’t hurt me! I’ll do anything. I’ll give you unlimited access to the expert auto electrician near Mornington! I’ll sing you a song. I’ll show you my private collection of D3-G0 coins from the Space Battles movies. I’ll even let you keep one of them!”

“Hmm,” I mused. “I do like D3-G0. He’s a very interesting character. But I think I’d rather end this entire operation and ruin the Auto King’s plans. Say your final words.”

And so he did. With my mission completed, I was able to go home, right in time for dinner. That was quite the adventure. Probably enough for a lifetime!

Remember that one trend where people slid down banisters and handrails on trays? That was weird. People do really weird things when they’re trying to be mad internet famous. 

I used to have a Me-Straw channel back when I was a teenager, and I cycled through a different trend every other month in a desperate bid to ride the coat-tails of viral fame. Didn’t work.

I remember filming a video every day for a month where I lip-synched to classic 80s songs. A little piece of me dies just thinking about it. Then there was that weird one where I decided that I’d be the internet’s first mechanic reviewer. I’d genuinely go out with my camcorder to, say, a mechanic shop in Bentleigh and evaluate them from afar, because I was a nerdy coward and actually going into the shop and talking to people was too big an ask. The weird thing was that I didn’t even own a car…I just reviewed them based upon what I could hear and see.

Gosh, they’re awful. Just a whole bunch of videos with me standing there on the other side of the street, holding the camera at my face, wind drowning out half of what I say. I try to make it sound like I know what I’m talking about with lines like “okay, there you can hear the car lift-a-tron 3000, which is now used in most garages…” or “I’m guessing that the overalls are a cotton blend, which I personally wouldn’t recommend due to the dangers of being snagged on the machinery”.

Fortunately, no business for a Bentleigh mechanic shop was harmed in the making of these videos, because the most views any of them ever got was something like…3. I think I also erred on the side of being complimentary, because as I’ve mentioned, I was a coward who couldn’t give a bad review out of fear of reprisal. 

So most of my reviews ended with something like “yeah, so, despite a few things that I personally wouldn’t recommend, this is the best place for auto electrical Bentleigh has ever seen. These guys get a solid 8-and-a-half out of ten. Peace out, machine bros.”

Good grief, I was such a massive dork.

–Leon