Author: admin

Australians and Their Strange Sport

admin

cricket nettingAustralians are strange, I’ve concluded. I like the special kind of strange they are, but for my culture, some of the things they do are just really odd. I got here in December, so I was prepared for how much Christmas is a big deal over here. But having Christmas on the beach? Weird. I even saw some people setting up a Christmas tree ON the beach, as if they were totally proud that they were doing it wrong.

Sorry…doing it their way. Got to watch that. I was still warned about a lot of stuff though. Like the whole…sport thing. It’s not a 100% sport loving rate, but I’ve noticed that around the office, even people who wouldn’t usually talk about or show interest in sport will get all excited when there’s a game, or an intense discussion. It’s some serious business, especially around grand final day. There’s even a guy in the office who says he’s responsible for setting up the tennis nets at his local club, and he brings it up really often. Like, that’s fine. You need nets to play tennis; I know what the game involves. I didn’t even think that Australians were big into tennis, until I came to Melbourne and I realised they devote basically an entire month to it. Although…I don’t think they win very often. I guess it’s the joy of taking part!

But maybe that makes it important enough to mention the tennis nets a lot. Now, if you set up netting at the Australian Open…that’d be something. I bet even the ball boys and girls go back to their local clubs and brag about the one time they threw a ball to…Lleyton Hewitt, maybe? I don’t know who’s big at the moment. In fact, he’s the only Australian tennis player I could name. So, if you said you were a big deal in sports or cricket netting and you got to meet…some famous cricket person, I’d be pretty impressed, maybe. But no one else. Maybe I need to go out for more after-work drinks?

-Jei

Are You Afraid of the Dark? You Should Be

admin

home lighting solutionsYou know what? I don’t care who knows it any more. I’m afraid of the dark, and I think everyone else should be too.

I think I managed to push it down for most of my adult life, but then I ended up house sitting and things got complicated. Okay, so this was a three-storey home. The bedroom I’d be using was right at the very top and the living room was at the bottom, so the locking up procedure was nerve-racking. I’d have to turn off all the lights on the bottom floor, then high-tail it up the stairs while horrible blackness threatened to eat me up. And then I’d have to turn off the lights on THAT floor and go through the same thing to get back to my bedroom.

Every night. Three weeks. And then I went back to my place, and I’m slightly terrified just climbing up my ONE flight of stairs. That’s why I’ve been feverishly searching for commercial LED lighting services around Melbourne, because I need something a bit more high-tech to stave off the danger. Well, I say ‘high-tech’. I’d just like a few simple things.

First, a system whereby I can turn off the lights from the upper floor, so I can ascend the stairs in fully-lit comfort. Second, the ability to turn on the lights anywhere in the house, no matter where I am. Sometimes I’m in the living room, and it’s gotten dark and I have to go out into the entrance hall and fumble for the lights…it’s no good. And third: I want my lights to be BRIGHT. As in, switch them on and every single inch of every single room is illuminated like it’s broad daylight. Right now I have to rely on these horrible energy-saving bulbs that come on dim and take five minutes to give proper light.

I need zero-monster-assurance NOW. I’m sure Melbourne home lighting solutions have something for me. I mean, I can’t be the only one who rightfully fears what lies in the darkness.

-Ivan

Things Getting Heated on the Beach

admin

Lorne beach appartment

The depth of my feelings has to count for something. Like, the latest episode of ‘Week of Our Lives’ was so impacting that it spontaneously caused a number to appear. It’s some very deep stuff.

Maybe it was partly to do with the fact that it was a beach episode. I hear the whole team got an anonymous donation from a fan than sent them all to film in a Lorne hotel for a weekend. Wow…being an actor is such a cushy gig. So they’re doing special episodes from the beach, and the summer sun is causing everyone’s tensions to flare up. Turns out that Judith has a saucy secret past with Adam, since Lorne was where they met all those years ago when they were both part of the cult that believed the Earth belonged to a secret breed of rabbit people and one day there would be an adorable, fluffy reckoning. They fell in love while walking on the beach and dreaming of how they’d one day be in charge of carrot flavour research, which is now bringing Judith into conflict with Yelena. Turns out Adam lied to Yelena and told her that he used to be part of a charity that sent agents to other countries to rescue treat rabbit addictions, and now she’s very ticked off. Doesn’t help that the hotel they were in turned out to have a zero-tolerance policy when it came to camels, so Pamela’s efforts to start a camel rental business from her hotel room were stifled from the get-go, and now she can’t pay Pablo back. And when Pablo is the leader of the clown mafia? That’s no good for anyone.

At least I’m getting some GREAT ideas for holidays in Lorne. Luxury beach apartments just look lovely. And in real life they’re probably not full of camels, either.

-Leticia

Your Little Local Salon

admin

St-James' hairdresserLife in the digital age SUCKS. I wasn’t even born in the seventies- in fact, I barely made it into the nineties- but I’m pretty sure I know what things were like back then, and they were definitely better, probably. Things were probably even better in the fifties, to be honest. Those two big wars were out of the way, everyone had to be nice to each other and you could go along to the drugstore and buy lemonade and macaroons for a dime. Or…whatever it was in Australia at the time. Beer and lamingtons?

What I really miss, despite never actually experiencing it myself, are the little communities and loyalty to certain places. Like, nowadays you just get on your phone and look up where’s got good reviews, or wherever’s closest. Need a hairdresser? There’s nothing that brings you back to the same place, if something else is more convenient. If there’s a hairdresser on St James’ Place that gave you a great cut the last time you went…well, that itself might bring you back. But it won’t be with a sense of community loyalty. You won’t go back because you know the lady who owns it, and her name is Maria, and you want to support her because she’s trying to feed four kids, and it’s all beneficial anyway because Maria will then visit your family’s greengrocer and buy her vegetables thus continuing to wonderful, economic circle of community life.

No, you just go there. Because maybe the internet said it was good. You don’t care about the struggles of that hairdresser, not at all. It’s all about you, isn’t it? What can I get for ME? Well, if there were a way to bring back that community mentality, you better believe that I’d give it a go. Things were great in the seventies and sixties, and probably fifties, you know? Like, even the hair salons based in the Melbourne CBD had their own special place in the community, instead of being treated like walk-in service providers. People were just nicer. I know that for sure, even though I never lived then. You can just tell.

–Anique

Solar Energy, Not That Bad

admin

commercial solarA year ago, I was convinced solar energy was ruining the planet. Now I’m going to have to go back and rewrite basically everything, because I’ve been convinced that the case is otherwise and most of my opinions are no longer valid. This is turning out like the who anti-vaccination thing all over again. Vaccinations: the Root of All Evil might have been a bestseller if I’d ever got around the publishing, but mostly because people would read and laugh at it for how wrong I was. I also owe some apologies to companies in Melbourne, commercial solar protests may have gotten out of hand. On account of all the abusive emails and staged protests.

It’s not completely my fault.  Was raised in a rural town and sent off to a pseudo-science academy at a very young age, where they taught us all kinds of things. I left not having joined the cult mentality, but all my scientific information has been repeatedly proven very wrong. You’d think I would’ve learned to fact check by now…well, that’s what I’m doing starting from now. For example, I recently learned that the ozone layer is not designed to protect us from harmful vitamin D, and that harnessing solar energy is not a wild and imprecise science that has killed thousands due to the instability of stored solar power. Basically, we were taught very early on that solar panels were ticking time bombs, ready to explode with all that stored energy, and that greedy corporations were just using it because it came freely from the sky instead of getting off their butts and mining it themselves.

So I have a lot of apologies to make, both in Melbourne and to the wider scientific community, who showed me that commercial solar solutions might just save the planet. I guess Solar Energy: The Greatest Assassin doesn’t really work as a title any more. Although Solar Energy: Golly I Nearly Screwed Up doesn’t work so well either.

-Baxter

Fish Burgers, Not Motor Repair

admin

outboard motor repairSo, employers check Visage-Tome accounts before job interviews now. Okay…great…wasn’t aware of THAT before I went for the interview, but I sure am now, after they brought up my holiday in January. Look, it’s not really fair to say that was my fault. That camel was out of control from the moment I got on it, and the whole Gatorade thing didn’t help. And the picture makes everything look WAY worse than it actually was, especially since the guy lost his arm in a simultaneous yet unrelated incident. Nothing to do with me. That’s the truth.

They didn’t care though, so I guess I’m back to selling fish burgers by the docks. Yep, just watching the world go by. Watching all of Melbourne’s outboard motor repair people going about their jobs, wishing I could do that job, because I’d be great at it.

At least they didn’t look at my Tweeter, because they probably would’ve found even more stuff they didn’t like. That’s the thing about Tweeter…people send you all sorts of crazy and incriminating things. But then, I don’t see how my crazy camel holiday works into boat repairs, so it shouldn’t have any bearing on my job prospects. That’s what holidays are for! You go and do some fun things that you wouldn’t think of doing, things that have NOTHING to do with your job because that’s the entire point of a holiday in the end. Obviously.

See, the fish burger people seem to be perfectly fine with what I get up to on vacation. The lesson here is that life is unfair…people are unfair…job interviews are definitely unfair. The fact that I can’t do marine trailer repairs shouldn’t be held against me, as well as my complete lack of any sort of mechanical knowledge. I can make burgers! Also, ride a camel!

-Brent

Changing the game with toolboxes

admin

ute toolbox MelbourneThe sprites in my game are up to something. I never should have given them the power of aluminium accessories. You remember how I introduced different materials with their characteristic features? At the time I was pleased that the tradespeople of my RPG game have started up their own guild. It is more of a union at this point.

The tradespeople are refusing to work, basically. I intended to create a more self-sufficient and industrious society by gifting them with materials of varying properties, but I am not sure this is progress. I was hoping they would build up their city, creating functional places to work, live and play. Instead, they have fashioned their materials into tools of protest.

Their massive utility vehicles, which I thought would be perfect for transporting materials to building sites, are being used to block off entire sections of the city. Who knew they would work out a way to haul equipment in the ute toolbox. Melbourne has had it’s own issues with unions; it rarely works out well for the people of the city.

The tradespeople are now demanding more pay and better conditions. They want their a two-day weekend instead of a single day of rest, which I thought was quite generous. Do they not understand that if they do not build, they will have nowhere to rest on their days of leisure? There is something wrong with the logic of this game world, perhaps I should add something to their water to reduce dissent and increase their thinking prowess.

I am not sure what to do at this point. I have been contemplating changing the code so that they no longer have access to vehicles with roof racks and bars, but even I cannot anticipate the effect this would have on their fledgling society. Something must be done, but what? They need my intervention, and I cannot exactly put them on pause while I deliberate over the best course of action. From my perspective, there is no good way to deal with this; hopefully I can find a solution which causes the least amount of disruption to the game.

Finally, the Office Gets Some Inspiration

admin

motivational business speakerWell, we made it in the end. Somehow.

I’m not really…well, not really the most motivated person around. I became the boss because the old one couldn’t take the pressure of motivating people any more, and the office has just been coasting along ever since. Nobody leaves, nobody gets hired, and we get the job done adequately enough so we’re all just still here. There’s no discipline, no real drive to be any better. And yeah, a lot of that is on me, being the boss and all! Even my PA spends most of her time reading trashy romance novels and only half-heartedly trying to hide it. I can see her reading, right now, from my office. It’s a bit unsettling, those facial expressions she makes.

But I finally managed it! We’ve got a motivational business speaker coming into the office, and I barely had to lift a finger! So I was out for coffee with a friend on the weekend, and I told him my plight. I tend to tell this friend a lot, mostly because he works in an office building where stuff actually gets done and I like to live vicariously through his experience. Anyway, I was bemoaning how no one ever does anything, and how we’ve been meaning to get in an inspirational speaker for months but no one can be bothered to actually get on it.

And then he just looks at me and says that he’ll do it. Five minutes on the phone, and he glared at me the entire time, like he’s finally got sick of all my complaining. Honestly, I totally understand that reaction. But hey, it worked! We’ve finally got someone in to talk to the office about inspirational office things, and I didn’t have to DO anything. It’s really the only way this could’ve happened.

So I guess that’s the ultimate problem solve: moan to your friends, and they’ll sort out all your issues. Wait, that sounds terrible. Never mind, I’m sure a session with an esteemed Australia conference speaker will sort us out. I’m hoping, anyway…

-Dan

Christmas Shopping for a Home…

admin

Hoo boy, Christmas shopping. That amazing love-hate activity that makes me feel both joy and immense stress. It’s the time of year when everyone is expected to act all different, because just because we celebrate something on one specific day, it means we have to spend the preceding month both showing goodwill towards our fellow man and ALSO getting stressed about buying stuff.

Okay, that was a bit of a rant. I do love me some Christmas, but I don’t love dealing with Ryan’s in-laws. They’ve got a bit of money, so they can’t see why we’re renting instead of buying and it’s impossible to explain to them why we’re holding off. Oh, but they’re a bit older, so they know EVERYTHING.

Ryan even said something about them getting us (for Christmas!!) a buyers advocate. Melbourne is ripe for home-buying at the moment, says Stephen! Thanks, dad-in-law. That’s not really our problem with the whole thing, but I think by getting us a buyers advocate they’re going to force our hand. Like, ‘here’s a person whose job it is to find you a nice house! Because we think that’s what you need to be happy, even though you’ve repeatedly said otherwise! And it’s Christmas, so it’s not like you’re going to say NO!’

I keep telling Ryan to talk to them, but he’s such a coward when it comes to his mother. A real matriarch, is Marie, and she knows it. I’m not the domineering type, so we don’t butt heads as much as you’d think. Mostly I just roll my eyes behind her back when she comes in and tries to take care of the kids or shoves me out of kitchen, but this time I feel like it really IS time to put my foot down. Refusing a gift is tough, but I hope they don’t take it the wrong way.

The day may come when we search out Melbourne for property advocacy of our own, but not this Christmas. This Christmas, I’ll be happy with some socks. Or maybe a calendar.

-Anette

Distracted By Ladder Platforms, Totally

admin

aluminium work platformsRemind me to never click on links sent by Clara. I really didn’t need to watch Babe I’m Gonna Sip Your Cup again. It’s basically the worst internet prank of all time…no idea what Ricky Ghastly thinks of his innocent song being abused in such a way.

Oh, Clara. You’re such an office prankster, thinking you’re so clever all the time…when actually, you’re the reason none of us are getting any work done. I know she’s all buddy-buddy with the boss, which is why she wasn’t totally and utterly fired for the incident last week. Client needs to source some aluminum work platforms from Australia somewhere. I think Sydney? Doesn’t matter. We were told that was what the client needed, so we snapped to it. Clara says she’ll take the task of organisng the mobile work platforms in the Monday meeting, which I thought was odd at the time. Clara doesn’t volunteer for anything, ever, because she’s a slacker who just wants to make the office experience ‘fun for everyone’, which is what she said the first time I confronted her about all this. It’s all lies. All lies, Clara. I see through you like a person reads the first trick in a book.

That wasn’t right. But you get it.

So we have Clara, now all interested in aluminium platforms and the joy they bring. I was suspicious, so I decided to do a bit of shadowing that day. Surprise, surprise, Clara didn’t care about aluminium platforms at all! She was actually just wanting to chat up a guy from the company, sitting there with her beautiful eyelashes fluttering, fingers twirling around the phone cord except when she was tucking her hair behind her ear in that adorable way that she does that makes me so…

Yes, anyway. It ended up being ME ordering the planks and trestles, because Clara just can’t do her job. I just watch her constantly, sitting at her desk, doing her nails, looking gorgeous…why does she have to be so gorgeous? Some of us are trying to work around here!

-Gavin