Windows

Urgh, I can’t believe Ron watched that stupid British horror movie about the haunted skyscraper. He’s terrible with horror movies, even if they are really old and really bad. Now he can’t walk past a skyscraper without screaming out in fear and running away. That’s a little bit of a problem, given we work in the Melbourne central business district. Apparently, he thinks the skyscrapers are alive, leaning down and whispering “Hello Governor” and other British phrases to him. It’s not every skyscraper, though. It is only the skyscrapers with commercial glass tinting. Around Melbourne, unfortunately, there are a lot of tinted skyscrapers, including the one we work at.

Ron hasn’t been to work in a week now, and it’s getting increasingly difficult to convince our boss not to fire him. I’ve tried to talk Ron into visiting a psychologist, but he’s too afraid that one of the skyscrapers will attack him on the way. Even though there are no skyscrapers anywhere near his local psychologist, he absolutely refuses. It’s infuriating. Maybe I should just stop covering for him, and if he gets fired that’s his problem. He should be able to get over his ridiculous fear of big buildings with tinted windows, and it’s his fault for watching that dumb movie in the first place. It’s not like he’s afraid of decorative window film in the Melbourne CBD or anything. Just tinted windows on skyscrapers. It’s not logical at all. Does that make it a phobia? Well, even if it is a phobia, it’s a stupid phobia. Ron just needs to get over it.

It’s like that time where I watched a movie about an evil balloon that tried to destroy the world, and I had a strange fear of balloons for a few days. Eventually, though, I just decided that I couldn’t live my life in fear of an inanimate object. I got over it. For some reason, I don’t think Ron has the courage to get over his own illogical fear. I guess he’ll just be afraid of tinted skyscrapers forever.

Melbourne’s art scene is great and all, but I say it can be loads better. So, SO much better. That’s why I’d like to introduce the internet to the Phantom Artisans. You’ll probably be getting to know us by our work in the very near future, but here’s a handy guide about us for anyone who wants a bit of insider info.

Now, look…there’s a lot to love about our great city of Melbourne. The interesting weather. The historical buildings. That hot beverage that everyone likes that in my opinion is a little bit overrated. But a true city of the arts should look a little different, in our opinion.

This whole thing started when one of us did an apprenticeship with a company in Melbourne that does office decorative glass. Some company that needed their glass to be tinted orange in an attractive pattern…and what an excellent colour, I might add. Now, they might have gotten the idea, but take a walk through the city centre. There might be sculptures of sorts, and a few dedicated areas to artistic pursuits, and there’s also that giant battery. That’s…fine. But the office buildings are all the same: uniform, metal and glass, the same colour…boring. How can we call ourselves a city of the arts if THAT is what people see from a distance?

And so, our aim is to steadily transform the city, and show that even the world of business can benefit from a touch of colour and life. We’re seeking to transform culture, basically. Obviously the old commercial decorative glass industry can help us out there. Got a window that needs replacing? We’ll be there, with a gentle suggestion that instead of boring regular glass, why not add a dash of colour and make something truly unique? That’s going to be our starting point, anyway. We have quite a few other projects in mind other than window tinting. But it’s a start…and you’ll be seeing a lot more of us soon.

-Donatello