Bacon, Dog Walking and Proper Technique

My 25th is coming up, and all I really want is a statue of myself made of bacon. I’m willing to concede that it may only be half my actual size, but I’m not a really big person so it’s not a big ask, personally, that’s what I personally believe. Bacon is an extremely malleable meat, basically paper in the form of a delicious culinary treat. There’s a great rap song in there, somewhere, oh yeah.

Man, I’ll be taking Jalopy for a long walk the day after my party though! Got to walk off all that bacon. In fact, it’s my firm belief that my border collie is the sole reason I’m not a giant fat lump, because she needs two good walks a day, and we’re talking hills. Dang, I could be a walker of dogs. A person who walks dogs, for a profession. What do we call that here in Melbourne? Dog walker, that’s it. I could be a top class dog walker, what with how far Jalopy needs to run before she’s satisfied, and I’ve worked off all that bacon.

Well, I say ‘satisfied’, but that’s more of a relative term. My active collie has only ever been tired out once, and that was when I took her to international Collie Day at the botanical gardens. 9:30 in the morning to 6pm in the evening she played with other dogs, while most of us just sat there drinking coffee and swapping stories about our little bundles of energy. She slept the whole way home, and then I had the audacity to ask her if she wanted a walk this evening. In a historical moment, she looked at me through half-closed eyes and went back to sleep. Not today, thanks!

Alright, maybe tiring a collie out is a dog walker requirement. Like, it’s what they ask you at the official Melbourne Dog Walking board of important people. Yes, your gait looks good, but…have you tired out a collie? You have? Oh, well, hired!